Warning…this email is a little long but it’s filled with juicy stuff, including a jealous woman, an unplanned pregnancy, romantic drama and an ever-evolving happy ending…
Over the last few weeks I’ve been talking to you about inner conundrums and how deeply and sometimes insidiously they can impact every area of your life.
I want to share with you a very personal story about the inner conundrum in my chart to illustrate the importance of my point.
Five years ago I discovered that, against all the odds, I was pregnant. I was 43 years old, knee-deep into raising and supporting four teenage children on my own and adding a baby to the mix was the last thing I needed.
My baby’s father and I had a very casual relationship. I was not looking for a relationship at the time and was working on healing a lot of my past relationship trauma. (If you’re wondering why I was sleeping with a man just for companionship and you are trying to figure out how a woman who already has four children and worked as a midwife couldn’t anticipate the possibility of an unplanned pregnancy, rest assured, my Mother already gave me that lecture…)
In spite of the insanity of the situation, I knew from the depth of my soul that having this baby was the only thing to do. (I have a Splenic connection to my Throat through the 50/27 so it was pretty natural for me to feel the instinct to follow through with this…)
My baby’s father was seeing another woman at the time and was probably 30 or 40 times more shocked by the news than I was. He told me over and over again that I was crazy to keep the baby and that I had forgotten how hard raising a baby is. He didn’t want another child and he wasn’t in a position to be able to help me out much financially.
But, I have perseverance and determination in my chart through the Channel 29/46. I also have the Gate 29, the Gate of Commitment in my Conscious sun and, as a Manifesting Generator with a connection from my Sacral to my Throat Center, I didn’t “need” anyone, least of all, some “guy” to help me raise my child.
I also have an open Will Center so I have a lot to prove and one of the things I really am programmed to “prove” is that, through my own hard work, perseverance and determination, I really, really, really don’t need anyone.
This dynamic inner conundrum has played itself out in every arena of my life creating, in various expressions, an identity that I carefully constructed that proclaimed me to be a Strong Survivor. I survived my divorce, single parenthood, bankruptcy, various traumatic relationships, being an entrepreneur…you name it, I survived it.
As an expert “survivor” I forged forward with the pregnancy. My partner in crime, still shell-shocked form the whole thing, came to midwife appointments with me, but pretty much kept his life the same. He still went out with the other woman and I, with my stoic determination and pride, took care of my family and decided to move home to Texas after the baby’s birth. After all, I didn’t need anyone. I could do whatever I wanted…so HAH!
Having a baby can be a pretty life-changing event. And to say that my baby changed my life is pretty much the understatement of the century.
And sometimes the “wrong” train takes you to the “right” station. After leaving Minnesota and moving to Texas, my baby’s father and I began forging a real relationship and a real family together. We traveled back and forth for several years until finally moving in together and getting married in January.
I could sit here and write that we have this fairy tale ending and I’m blissfully happy.
And we do, in so many ways.
But my conundrum has returned. (As it tends to do….)
You’d think that having everything work out billions of times better than I ever imagined would resolve the conundrum.
But conundrums don’t work that way. The purpose of the conundrums in your chart is to push you and provoke you into growth and evolution…Once you go around a spiral of personal growth, you get to go around again. And again. And again.
My business and finances have grown beyond a level that I can run and manage by myself. I’m married to an incredible man who makes me feel loved in ways I’ve never felt loved before. I’m stronger and healthier than I have ever been in my life in every way and I am utterly terrified.
Because, as a Manifesting Generator who doesn’t “need” anyone, I am starting to need other people.
The truth is, we all do. It’s in the Human Design map. We are ultimately designed to need each other. The degree to which you need others may vary, but we are all part of the human family, pieces of a divine puzzle…no one is really designed to stand on their own.
And certainly, even if you don’t need anyone, you probably want to be with other people.
Last night my husband I went out to eat. We ran into the woman he had been seeing while I was pregnant. Was I triggered? Hell yes! My husband accused me of not having forgiven him. I told him I had forgiven him but I just wanted to share my story and let him know how HARD that time had been for me.
All morning long I rolled over my “story” in my head over and over again. I remembered the pain and the sorrow of feeling so alone in my pregnancy. I remembered the financial struggles including running down the street in my nightgown with my baby in my arms because the repo man had taken my car in the middle of the night and I needed him to stop and get my car seat out of the back so I could transport the baby. I remembered the deep sadness when I had moved away from my baby’s father because I missed him so much…
And then in the middle of yoga, it hit me. First of all, this was really old sh** that wasn’t relevant to my life any more. Secondly, I was struggling because I had so carefully crafted this identity as this survivor who didn’t “need” anyone and now I wasn’t just barely surviving any more.
This old identity knew it was dying and as part of it’s last gasp, it wanted me to re-anchor it’s story in my neurobiology so it could live just a little bit longer. Like a kid who continuously runs her tongue in the hole left by a lost baby tooth, I wanted to keep running the inner story of Karen the Super Survivor.
I am way more than surviving. I am thriving. I need others and my heart is so full on a daily basis that I have to check in periodically and make sure it doesn’t POP!
For me to fully embrace the abundance of what is around me, to open myself up even more fully to the love, money, health, spirit and creativity that is available to me right now I have to let go of this “survivor” identity, release this definition of my conundrum and create a new expression of those energies in my chart.
How many times do we let an old identity that was crafted around the “dark” side of our inner conundrums get the best of us and rob us of our abundance, love, joy, creative fulfillment and even a close relationship with Source? It doesn’t have to be that way. You can change the trajectory of your journey with awareness, deliberate practice and understanding your Human Design inner conundrum.
This work isn’t easy. It takes a tremendous amount of courage, humility, insight, support and awareness.
Frankly, I can’t even imagine what my journey would be like if I didn’t know Human Design. And I definitely wouldn’t be where I am on my journey without the love and support from my soul family around me.
I created the Inner Conundrum University for you because I know that it’s pretty common, when you’re embarking on this conscious journey, to be taking crucial steps by yourself. Let’s face it, if you’re reading this email, you probably always take the creative, leading-edge of consciousness, unusual, out-of-the-box path to personal growth and development.
I want you to have the support, information and awareness you need to travel through your Inner Conundrums with grace, power and ease. You deserve so much more than to be beating yourself up because you think you’re broken, blocked or dysfunctional.
You are none of those. You are simply on a path of conscious evolution and growth.
But if you want to do more than struggle and survive…if you’re ready to define yourself as a THRIVER rather than a survivor, I know that Human Design can help you. I watched it make a powerful difference in over 6,000 people’s lives.
You deserve more than to struggle and survive.
I haven’t completed my Inner Conundrum journey yet. My Kiron is in the Gate 22, the Gate of Grace, so I am pretty sure that the next step of my journey is to create a new identity that acknowledges my inner beauty and the power of Grace in my world…I’ll keep you posted…
I’m pretty sure that as soon as I master this next cycle of my conundrum, the Universe, being the Masterful Teacher that She is, will give me a whole new journey around the Conundrum Spiral.
May you enjoy and thrive on your journey!!
P.S. My mentor and teacher, Ra Uru Hu, used to say that we have “no choice” but to go around the spiral. You’re going to take this journey, no matter what. It’s a fact of life.
But how you dance on your path will determine what kind of journey you have. Do you want to drag a heavy sandbag around the spiral or do a joyful jig? Truth is, it’s up to you….