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The Legacy of Love

 

Here is an email that I received from one of my subscribers. I think this amazing woman poses some very, very important questions that we all need to be thinking about:

“I am the mother of a six year old autistic

child and a third grade teacher. I ask this of you because of a

workshop you offered some time ago and thought you would be able to

offer suggestions. If you would be so kind as to take the time to

question and answer what you believe we should be doing for our

children to prepare them for what they will be responsible for in

twenty years? What are you doing for yours, I know you have a few of

your own what are your thoughts? I would appreciate any time you could

offer to answering this question. It is a concern as I try to meet

their needs in the world of Public Education.”

Over the next few weeks I will be posting some of my responses on my Human Design blog. I hope that you will join me in this conversation and that some of our collective insights might help you and help the children in your life.

I will start with some of my personal thoughts and ideas and then follow up with some thoughts related to Human Design, the importance of “healing” as well as intentional parenting.

My first thought in answering the question what should we be doing for our children to prepare them for what they will be responsible for is this. We have to “clean up” our own issues, conditioning and belief systems that keep us from seeing our children as the perfect creatures they are designed to be.

My dinner table has been a gathering place for many teenagers over the past 12 years. I have borne witness to some pretty amazing conversations and brilliance coming out of the mouth of “babes”.

If we are to deliver our world into the hands of the young adults, teens and children of today, I think that the world and its inhabitants are going to be in pretty good hands.

I think we are the ones we should be worried about first. I would argue that in order to effectively “raise” the next generation, we need to carefully examine some of our old beliefs that I believe no longer really apply to children of today.

Here are some basic beliefs that I invite us to think about releasing:

1. Children don’t have a natural urge to learn. If we leave them to their own devices, all they’ll do is play and goof off.

2. Children need to suffer to learn.

3. Discipline, rigor and repetition are the only ways a child can master anything.

4. Children misbehave because they want attention.

5. Children misbehave because they are spoiled.

6. Children misbehave because they are stubborn.

7. Children are selfish and self-centered and need to be trained to be compassionate, giving and to care about others.

8. Children can’t control how they behave.

9. Your child’s behavior is a reflection of your adequacy as a parent.

10. There is a formula to raising and education children “correctly”. Follow the formula and “poof”…you get a perfect child.

11. Play is a frivolous part of childhood. So is the freedom to experiment and explore.

12. Spanking and good, hard discipline = love to a child.

13. Total freedom = love to a child.

There are many more beliefs that we need to give some serious thought to. I welcome your thoughts and I propose a new paradigm for supporting children in the natural “unfolding” of who they are.

First and foremost, the most important question anyone who loves a child (or adults, even!) needs to ask is this:

Who are you and how can I best support you on your journey?

The second thing we need to consider is how has our own upbringing and social/collective conditioning contributed to our perception of children? How we are conditioned to “see” our children greatly influences our expectations and how we treat our children.

Let me clarify. Look at the picture below and see the image of two people’s faces looking at each other.

 

Do you see them?

Now look at the image again. Do you see the vase?

Usually, when people look at this optical illusion, they will see the image that they expect to see. If I say faces, most people will see faces. If I say vase, most people will see a vase.

What you are conditioned to expect influences your perception.

This isn’t just woo-woo consciousness stuff. It’s actually neurobiology. Our brains contain an information selection system call the Reticular Activating System (RAS). At any given point in time, we have the potential to be overwhelmed by stimulation. The RAS creates an “information filter” in your brain so that you only pay attention to the stimulation that is alignment with your expectation.

How many times have you decided to purchase a new car and suddenly seen that car everywhere you go? Are there really more of those cars on the road or are you noticing them because that particular car is part of your information filter?

In relationships, people will often rise (or fail) to meet our expectation depending on our expectations and beliefs, i.e. our conditioning, our imprinting and our DNA.

People have basic needs. Human Design shows us that in the highest expression of our True Self we:

· Perceive ourselves as lovable

· Have high self-worth

· Live and express ourselves authentically

· We are courageous and take leaps of faith

· We know how to make effective decisions and have a sense of personal power

· We are emotionally wise

· We understand our own “knowingness” and trust our own insights

· We know how to leverage our energy so that we are sustainable in life

When children (and adults) are not being supported in expressing these energies appropriately, they will misbehave or in some way challenge the system.

In other words if a child (or adult) is not feeling, lovable, worthy, authentic or like their choices are respected and if they are frightened, emotional and tired, they will misbehave or have other challenges.

Misbehavior and pain are simply ways to communicate that someone is not aligned with their Truth.

When we understand this, it helps us to rewrite some of our old beliefs about children. This awareness helps us understand that misbehavior is simply a child’s way of communicating that they aren’t feeling loved, valued, powerful and accepted for who they are.

When we, as teachers, parents, grandparents and people who used to be children ourselves understand these key needs, we can begin to support children in finding appropriate ways to communicate their needs and support the child in discovering ways to get their basic needs met.

I believe that each human being is a uniquely designed, magnificent being. (Children and adults alike.) The way in which we express and feel our lovability, power and worthiness will be different for each and every one of us.

True love comes when you accept and create space for someone to be exactly as they are created to be. Human Design is a powerful tool to help you truly see your Loved Ones (and yourself) and support them in expressing their Divine Magnificence.

When you understand how your child, parent, friends, lovers, partners are energetically wired, you learn how to honor who they are, treat them with respect and love them without the blinders of conditioned expectations.

Of course, True Love, also starts first with You!  You’ll amplify the love you see and experience in the world when you love yourself first…

Here’s to LOVE!  (And healing the world!)

Love,

 

 

 

 

Karen

2 Replies to “The Legacy of Love”

  1. I have been working with preschoolers for 25 years, and before that, I began raising my own 2 sons. I now have 3 grandchildren. I agree that re-evaluating the beliefs that you have listed in the earlier part of the article is of enormous importance. Releasing these beliefs will hopefully free up space for a more loving approach to responding to the needs of children. Children love to learn and will actively seek out opportunities for learning. The difficulty for parents is that the learning may not follow the path decided by them. Their path was/is likely determined by cultural expectations and societal norms. When parents try to redirect their child’s learning, the child (if agreeable and flexible) will allow themselves to be redirected for a time, until they see an opportunity to return to their preferred lessons. The less flexible, more determined child will resist, as will the flexible child, when blocked too often or for too long. A more sensible approach is to determine what you’d like the child to learn, ask if it’s a useful skill and not just something that society has determined would be useful to itself (for example – not ever questioning when told to do something), and then look at ways to incorporate it into something the child is already trying to learn. For example, recently I was interested in determining whether a child could sort for black and white. I tried a lot of different activities, but this skill is not of interest to this child. This child does like to use their hands – so learning to manipulate with their hands and fingers is something they’re actively seeking to learn. I realized that having them push black checker pieces through a slot cut in a lid of a plastic tub (like for sour cream) and doing the same for white rumoli chips (these being what I had available) into another tub, would work for us both. It did. This child does know the difference between black and white and had fun while I found out what I wanted to know. If the child had not been able to separate the two, then I would have known to assist until the difference was noticed and acted on.
    Compliance only to please others and to follow unnecessary rules benefits no one. It does make it easier for people who are looking to control others, such as governments, employers, schools, etc. It does not benefit people or societies, nature or our highest good though.

    Another thing I see is children being told not to cry, fuss or otherwise be unpleasant when they’re upset by something. Acknowledging that a child is experiencing particular emotions and allowing those emotions to be felt and dissipate is better than encouraging the child to block, shut down or ignore these feelings. These create emotional blocks that will need to be revisited and dissipated later in life, as I have come to know. Sometimes circumstance prevents a proper attention to a child’s emotional needs, but whenever possible adults should try to help the child work through their feelings. Sometimes all that’s needed is a safe lap, kind words and a patient caregiver.

    Along the same lines, listening to a child, discussing what they’re telling you with them, and checking to see if you are understanding correctly, is good policy for raising a confident child.

    Once a certain level of emotional safety is met and maturity is attained, children naturally share, care and cooperate. We, as adults, can model these traits, encourage these behaviors in supportive ways and offer praise for behaviors that are caring and cooperative. We can recognize and provide support when it’s appropriate for a child to stand their ground and not share, or be cooperative. We can offer all of this to ourselves as well, for that makes it easier to offer caring and compassion to others.

    As in all things, there are exceptions to every way of thinking. Compliance without argument is necessary when evacuating children during a fire drill or actual fire, for example. Any time compliance for the sake of compliance is expected however, it’s best to honestly and clearly evaluate the reasons for it. I don’t believe that only adult convenience is enough.

    Thank you for the opportunity to offer my thoughts.
    Debbie Ott

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